Your opinion of me or my opinion of myself?
A few weeks ago we found out our sweet girl has a birth defect in her shoulder. It's called congenital pseudarthrosis of the clavicle- click here for more details.
This came as a complete surprise to us. During her 9 month check up a small pea sized lump was found on her clavicle. We were told that she probably had a collar bone break during birth that healed with a bone spur on it. Our doctor recommended that we get it x-rayed "just to be sure." I reluctantly took her to get an x-ray. The x-ray revealed the birth defect that leaves her right clavicle in two pieces. I cried for an hour while on the phone with every family member that picked up and fanatically texted my inner circle in the midst of calls. Googled for an hour and then scheduled an appointment with a specialist for 5 days later. Due to my freak out about it and James' schedule he was unable to come due to work. I called in my mom to come with me and felt at least we could get this doc to confirm all my googling.
The specialist came highly recommended as a great pediatric orthopedic surgeon and I still believe he's a great doctor. He's just not the doctor for us and I've started to dissect why.
When I made the appointment I told them what her pediatrician told us the diagnosis was. The receptionist said "huh. That's different." So I assumed they'd never seen it before but that didn't concern me too much because it's rare. We arrive in a frenzy of baby toys, purses and one energetic 9 month old. They ask me to write down my insurance card number on literally 5 different pieces of paper and photocopy it. Geez. I have insurance, do you need it written on every paper?
Mom and I get back into the room and I surrender the DVD with her x-ray on it for the doctor to review. We entertain Bee for a while with anything and everything. The doc comes in and greets us. He goes over his diagnosis with us and it was what we had been told but reassuring to hear it again and from a specialist. I start down my list of questions- did he have any experience with this condition? How would he fix it? What age would he fix it? and so on an so forth.
I felt somewhat like I was interviewing him for something he wasn't prepared for. He seemed reluctant to talk to me about fixing her shoulder and the actual ins and outs of the surgery. I do understand that this surgery isn't next week, it isn't even next year but I'm her mother and I want every detail. Even if this isn't going to happen for a while. I am a planner for a living and it bleeds into my personal life. I need charts, I need spreadsheets and I need facts. We finished the appointment and I made a follow up for 6 months later. I chatted with my mom by the car and she got some of the same impressions as I did. A little reluctant to talk about it and maybe just not quite a right fit.
After going home and relaying the whole appointment in minute detail to James a little niggle of doubt crept in. Did he not want to talk to me because I was husbandless and had pink streaks in my hair? I frequently put pink chalk in my hair and it stays in for a couple days. I work at an ad agency so there is no sideways looks about pink hair and I think its fun. I look a bit younger than I am. My own mother-in-law thought for seven years that I was younger than her son. Nope, we're the same age. I was working from home that day so I was wearing shorts and a t-shirt. Easy and comfortable. I probably mentioned my husband at the appointment and I was wearing my wedding ring. But I can't seem to shake a little shadow of doubt. Do I need my handsome, first responder husband there all dolled up in his medical flight suit? Don't get me wrong but we garner more respect from just about anyone when James is there in uniform. I asked my mom since she was there and she thought he took me seriously but just wasn't prepared to talk about the future with us at that point.
So it's more likely that I'm just uber sensitive about my tiny baby having something wrong with her and most likely needing surgery. But why did I feel like I was breaking up with someone then? Why did I feel like there had to be some sort of monumental reason that I wanted to go to another doctor? In the end there is no monumental reason. I think I hold doctor's in high esteem and think that if they are a doctor then they must be the right. I have never gone to a doctor for a second opinion. Maybe it's time I do. Firstly I have let go of the insecurities about how I came across and then be ok with going to see another doctor. It's not supposed to feel like adultery.
That won't change the fact that for her second opinion appointment I'll be sure to wash the pink chalk out of my hair, dress a little older and have my husband in tow. If not for the doctor's opinion of me then for my own.
This came as a complete surprise to us. During her 9 month check up a small pea sized lump was found on her clavicle. We were told that she probably had a collar bone break during birth that healed with a bone spur on it. Our doctor recommended that we get it x-rayed "just to be sure." I reluctantly took her to get an x-ray. The x-ray revealed the birth defect that leaves her right clavicle in two pieces. I cried for an hour while on the phone with every family member that picked up and fanatically texted my inner circle in the midst of calls. Googled for an hour and then scheduled an appointment with a specialist for 5 days later. Due to my freak out about it and James' schedule he was unable to come due to work. I called in my mom to come with me and felt at least we could get this doc to confirm all my googling.
The specialist came highly recommended as a great pediatric orthopedic surgeon and I still believe he's a great doctor. He's just not the doctor for us and I've started to dissect why.
When I made the appointment I told them what her pediatrician told us the diagnosis was. The receptionist said "huh. That's different." So I assumed they'd never seen it before but that didn't concern me too much because it's rare. We arrive in a frenzy of baby toys, purses and one energetic 9 month old. They ask me to write down my insurance card number on literally 5 different pieces of paper and photocopy it. Geez. I have insurance, do you need it written on every paper?
Mom and I get back into the room and I surrender the DVD with her x-ray on it for the doctor to review. We entertain Bee for a while with anything and everything. The doc comes in and greets us. He goes over his diagnosis with us and it was what we had been told but reassuring to hear it again and from a specialist. I start down my list of questions- did he have any experience with this condition? How would he fix it? What age would he fix it? and so on an so forth.
I felt somewhat like I was interviewing him for something he wasn't prepared for. He seemed reluctant to talk to me about fixing her shoulder and the actual ins and outs of the surgery. I do understand that this surgery isn't next week, it isn't even next year but I'm her mother and I want every detail. Even if this isn't going to happen for a while. I am a planner for a living and it bleeds into my personal life. I need charts, I need spreadsheets and I need facts. We finished the appointment and I made a follow up for 6 months later. I chatted with my mom by the car and she got some of the same impressions as I did. A little reluctant to talk about it and maybe just not quite a right fit.
After going home and relaying the whole appointment in minute detail to James a little niggle of doubt crept in. Did he not want to talk to me because I was husbandless and had pink streaks in my hair? I frequently put pink chalk in my hair and it stays in for a couple days. I work at an ad agency so there is no sideways looks about pink hair and I think its fun. I look a bit younger than I am. My own mother-in-law thought for seven years that I was younger than her son. Nope, we're the same age. I was working from home that day so I was wearing shorts and a t-shirt. Easy and comfortable. I probably mentioned my husband at the appointment and I was wearing my wedding ring. But I can't seem to shake a little shadow of doubt. Do I need my handsome, first responder husband there all dolled up in his medical flight suit? Don't get me wrong but we garner more respect from just about anyone when James is there in uniform. I asked my mom since she was there and she thought he took me seriously but just wasn't prepared to talk about the future with us at that point.
So it's more likely that I'm just uber sensitive about my tiny baby having something wrong with her and most likely needing surgery. But why did I feel like I was breaking up with someone then? Why did I feel like there had to be some sort of monumental reason that I wanted to go to another doctor? In the end there is no monumental reason. I think I hold doctor's in high esteem and think that if they are a doctor then they must be the right. I have never gone to a doctor for a second opinion. Maybe it's time I do. Firstly I have let go of the insecurities about how I came across and then be ok with going to see another doctor. It's not supposed to feel like adultery.
That won't change the fact that for her second opinion appointment I'll be sure to wash the pink chalk out of my hair, dress a little older and have my husband in tow. If not for the doctor's opinion of me then for my own.
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