Saying Goodbye

My lovely Nana passed away last week and I am going to miss her so much.

My Nana was very involved in my life thanks to the closeness of the Collatz family. Every summer for 10 years I made my way up to Whitefish Lake to go to summer camp with my cousin Megan and always stayed with my Nana before I went. I count Megan as one of my best friends and without my Nana I know we wouldn't be as close as we are. I have wonderful memories of family Christmas' in Minnesota and road trips up to Scottsdale. I also believe that my relationship with my Mom was based on the close relationship she had with Nana and for that I am eternally grateful. She was an all round stand up Nana and I love her very much.

That being said, where does that leave me? The whole family is headed up to Minnesota this coming weekend to prepare for the funeral next Monday. It will be really nice to see everyone and support each other.

I am really quite terrible about being sad. I don't like to talk about it. I don't like to be around people. And most of all I hate pretending like I'm not sad. So this is why I have been hibernating in my house watching Dexter on DVD and crocheting like a mad woman for the last few days. I spend the majority of my day at work pretending that there isn't a little black hole of sadness in my chest and I just can't do it all day long. I know it will get better with a bit of time and a bit of Jesus but I really can't say mumble "It's for the best" another time. You'd just get the fake smile and the fake laugh with a slightly blank look anyway, so I'd be no peach to be around. So I basically avoid everyone. It probably isn't the best way to deal with grief but it's the only way I know how.

So I won't avoid you forever. I'm already out of Dexter DVD's until Season 3 comes out. I just need a little bit of space and a lot more yarn. I do love my friends and I absolutely love my family. I'm just a bit of an odd duck at times like these. I'll come back to the land of the living, just not yet.