Infertility, Loss & Miracles
I decided to write down our journey to having children one night when I was 27 weeks pregnant with our third child. I didn't publish it until now because even that far along with the pregnancy I wasn't sure I'd get to keep our sweet baby. Infertility and lose will do that to you. I wrote it down because I always want to remember how hard it was to get to where we are and to remember how desperately I wanted these children. Because some days its easy to forget with the frustrations of just doing life. So here is our story.
Our Journey
A few months before I turned 27 James and I decided that it would be a great time to start a family. We didn't tell anyone (not even my mom which is a huge deal for me) because we wanted it to be a surprise. One of those surprises where you get to do something cute to tell your parents they're going to be grandparents. I dreamed up several very fun ways to tell my parents. Then months ticked on with nothing happening and I started to get nervous. I eventually began to tell my family and close friends that we were trying with no avail. After 8 months of trying I went to see my gynecologist and it was one of the worst visits I've ever had. She herself had faced infertility and told me that I could seek the help of a reproductive endocrinologist (RE) but that I had a slim chance of conceiving via IVF. This was shocking and devastating to me and James.
The Fertility Doctor
I decided to go see a well known and well liked RE in Tucson anyway. He went over a treatment plan with us in detail and basically mapped out our next few moves. We started with clomid and in utero insemination (IUI) as well as some basic testing on myself and James. All tests came back clear but my RE suspected I had severe endometriosis which can only be truly diagnosed by surgery. We went forward with 5 rounds of clomid and 4 IUI's over the following months that all failed. I was emotionally a wreck at this point and it was starting to strain our marriage. After all of that our doctor recommended laproscopic surgery for me followed immediately by IVF. James was unconvinced at that point that IVF was the right road for us morally and I needed time to detox off the drugs so when we moved to Las Vegas for James' job we "took a break." Any woman that has ever tried for a baby knows why that is in air quotes. While we were there I was depressed, unhappy with the weight I had gained on clomid and drank quite a bit of wine. We continued to discuss and pray about IVF during this time. Being in Las Vegas wasn't all bad. It actually did give us a chance to get away a bit. It is very hard to be in your late 20's and married for over four years with no children. People automatically ask if you have children and upon hearing that you don't they ask you when you're having them. If you give a vague answer to be polite you sometimes get people that will tell you that "times a ticking away, you're not that young anymore" or that "you should really give your parents grandchildren already." If there is one thing I will beg of you it is to please back off on these really insensitive comments. You might think its funny but it can be deeply hurtful.
In September of 2011 we moved back to Tucson part time and continued to live in Las Vegas part time because I was still working in Tucson. We made the decision to go forward with the exploratory surgery to see if there was any endometriosis. The surgery came back positive for Stage III endometrosis with lesions on all of my reproductive organs that had spread onto my intestines. We were optimistic that with all of the lesions removed that we might be able to get pregnant naturally but over the next few months it still didn't happen.
IVF
James and I finally decided to go forward with IVF in January of 2012 with the expressed agreement that we would use every embryo fertilized now matter how many attempts that entailed or the expense. We fully trusted in God that this was his will for us and that he already knew the outcome. I found an amazing friend that had walked through the tough journey that we were about to embark on and who would answer my endless questions over coffee. It was so invaluable to have someone that had done this before and someone who could understand what it was like to be infertile. We started shots to help me super produce eggs and shots to help me not ovulate. This was an excruciating emotional process and quite painful. We ended up getting 18 eggs from our egg retrieval and 14 fertilized and grew. James almost fainted when he heard the number of embryos and swore we'd end up with 6 children.
Baby Bee
On our first transfer we put in 2 embryos and prayed for sticky little babies. I was on bed rest for 2 days after the transfer and one of those days was my 30th birthday. I convinced myself it hadn't worked because I was just cramping too much and it just felt like I was going to start my period. I thought it had failed up until my RE called to tell me I was pregnant. I had walked outside of my work into the parking lot and I was so shocked I sat down on the curb and burst into tears. I continued to cry while I made 15 phone calls to my tribe of family and friends who had supported us through the journey. I loved every puking, exhausting, stretching minute of that pregnancy and I again burst into tears when she was born. I almost couldn't believe she was finally here after 3 1/2 years of waiting.
A Devastating Loss
When Baby Bee was a year old we went back to do a frozen embryo transfer (FET.) We transferred two embryos and were completely prepared for that cycle not to work. Just because we had struck gold with our first cycle. I tested at home this time and to my great surprise we got a positive test. I told James not to be mad because I was pregnant. He laughed at me and then looked terrified as he counted the remaining embryos in his head. After our 6 week appointment things started to look iffy. The heartbeat was slow & faint- not a great start. I remember our RE telling us not to get too excited or tell too many people because it was not looking good. Uh. Too late. Over weeks 6-9 the baby continued to grow but lagged behind in growth. We fervently prayed and beseeched God to save our baby. Our friends and family joined us in praying for our sweet unborn child. On week 10 we got the news we had been dreading, the baby had passed away and there was no longer a heartbeat. James was shocked and I was just destroyed. I had a D&C and the genetic testing came back with a diagnosis of Trisomy 15. Basically it is an unsurvivable mutation and our baby never had a chance of carrying to term. I asked our RE how long we needed to wait until trying again and he told me we could try again right after my period came back. I know some people won't understand why we wanted to try again so soon after such a devastating loss but to me the best thing for me mentally would be to be pregnant again on the due date of our lost baby. I couldn't imagine facing that due date any other way.
Baby Fox
Six weeks after our loss we went back in for another FET. We lost a couple embryos in the unthawing but had 2 more transferred in February of 2014. I again tested at home and got a positive home pregnancy test. We were much more guarded on this pregnancy. We didn't trumpet it from the rooftops out of fear. Even after seeing a strong heartbeat I was plagued by fear and uncertainty. I was insanely sick with this pregnancy and it felt like I was in a never ending first trimester since I had been sick with our lost baby and then rolled right into the next. When the due date of our lost baby rolled up I was hugely pregnant and I think it helped me let go of some of that hurt. It doesn't mean I don't remember the date each year and think of my sweet baby already gone to Jesus. I don't really think I breathed until 24 weeks and I again cried big blubbery tears when I delivered our baby boy.
Same story, different ending
We again went back to the RE when little Fox was just over a year old. By then we had one straw of 4 embryos left. I was absolutely convinced our 3rd baby was in that freezer waiting for me. I had been pressuring James for months to go back for it. What I was completely and totally unprepared for was the failure of our last straw. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I was convinced that I was supposed to have three children. I talked to James about trying naturally but he was iffy on it. He knew the heartbreak and strife that trying naturally had brought us before and he was quite content with two children. In the end we compromised and he gave me three months to get pregnant. At my age at the time (34) the chances of getting pregnant each month were 5% and that was with someone with no history of infertility. So my chances were astronomically small. I pulled myself up by my boot straps and set to trying to get pregnant. Again. I began taking supplements and going to acupuncture. I prayed. A ton. The first two months were negative and I began mounting a campaign to try for a bit longer with James.
New story, miraculous ending
On our last month that we had agreed to try James booked a appointment to see the doctor about a vasectomy. I did not feel done but agreed to the consult. We headed to Mexico with our family for my Mom's vow renewal and after two negative pregnancy tests I began drinking margaritas with zest. I was having the worst cramping and period symptoms of my life. I was not at all pleased. I finally convinced James to go to the bodega with me to buy another test after my period was officially late. I was driving myself and James mad. After some hilarious hand gestures we bought a test and headed home to take it. When I saw two pink lines I nearly fell over. I had never ever in the 7 years we had been trying had seen a natural positive pregnancy test. I walked through the house filled with literally almost all of my extended family from my mom's side to find James. All I could do was nod yes to him. Even seeing that test I was unsure if it was actually positive because I bought it at a bodega in Mexico. That doesn't really scream confidence. The next couple days I drove myself mad thinking I was having a miscarriage and pestered my OB's office to let me come in for a blood test. I finally got the call that it was indeed positive. I was still shocked. We told no one because I was convinced my body didn't know how to have a natural pregnancy and we would lose it. I was horrified when my OB told me I couldn't come in for a heartbeat check until 8 1/2 weeks. Um no. I was likely to go insane.So I called up my good old friend my fertility doctor and asked to come in. I figured I had paid that man enough money that he would likely do whatever I wanted. He gladly gave me a heartbeat check and I saw that little beating heart. I still refused to tell anyone I was pregnant because there was no way this was actually going to happen. I was insanely and intensely sick with this pregnancy and begged for any drug available to help me. I continued to see my RE until my OB would see me because you get spoiled seeing your baby every week at the RE. I don't even know how people don't lose their minds doing it the "normal" way. Remember way back when I was 26 and dreaming about fun ways to tell my parents I was pregnant? I finally got to do those things 8 years later at 34 and it made me insanely happy. I got to see my friends jaws nearly fall off their faces and burst into tears of joyus surprise. It was everything, just everything I'd always wanted.
We decided to have this miraculous, surprising pregnancy keep on surprising us and we decided not to find out the sex. I didn't think we'd actually make it to the end of the pregnancy without breaking and finding out but we did! I delivered our son in December and I didn't cry this time, I just stared at him in shock. It actually happened. I know now why God placed having three children on my heart. He wanted to stretch and grow and break down and make new both James and me. We have both grown and our marriage has strengthened in the years that we have walked this journey. Looking back now I can see the path we have walked and why we walked the path we did. James is going to get that vasectomy this year and is done done done having babies. I am content and complete now with our family of five.
Our Journey
A few months before I turned 27 James and I decided that it would be a great time to start a family. We didn't tell anyone (not even my mom which is a huge deal for me) because we wanted it to be a surprise. One of those surprises where you get to do something cute to tell your parents they're going to be grandparents. I dreamed up several very fun ways to tell my parents. Then months ticked on with nothing happening and I started to get nervous. I eventually began to tell my family and close friends that we were trying with no avail. After 8 months of trying I went to see my gynecologist and it was one of the worst visits I've ever had. She herself had faced infertility and told me that I could seek the help of a reproductive endocrinologist (RE) but that I had a slim chance of conceiving via IVF. This was shocking and devastating to me and James.
The Fertility Doctor
I decided to go see a well known and well liked RE in Tucson anyway. He went over a treatment plan with us in detail and basically mapped out our next few moves. We started with clomid and in utero insemination (IUI) as well as some basic testing on myself and James. All tests came back clear but my RE suspected I had severe endometriosis which can only be truly diagnosed by surgery. We went forward with 5 rounds of clomid and 4 IUI's over the following months that all failed. I was emotionally a wreck at this point and it was starting to strain our marriage. After all of that our doctor recommended laproscopic surgery for me followed immediately by IVF. James was unconvinced at that point that IVF was the right road for us morally and I needed time to detox off the drugs so when we moved to Las Vegas for James' job we "took a break." Any woman that has ever tried for a baby knows why that is in air quotes. While we were there I was depressed, unhappy with the weight I had gained on clomid and drank quite a bit of wine. We continued to discuss and pray about IVF during this time. Being in Las Vegas wasn't all bad. It actually did give us a chance to get away a bit. It is very hard to be in your late 20's and married for over four years with no children. People automatically ask if you have children and upon hearing that you don't they ask you when you're having them. If you give a vague answer to be polite you sometimes get people that will tell you that "times a ticking away, you're not that young anymore" or that "you should really give your parents grandchildren already." If there is one thing I will beg of you it is to please back off on these really insensitive comments. You might think its funny but it can be deeply hurtful.
In September of 2011 we moved back to Tucson part time and continued to live in Las Vegas part time because I was still working in Tucson. We made the decision to go forward with the exploratory surgery to see if there was any endometriosis. The surgery came back positive for Stage III endometrosis with lesions on all of my reproductive organs that had spread onto my intestines. We were optimistic that with all of the lesions removed that we might be able to get pregnant naturally but over the next few months it still didn't happen.
IVF
James and I finally decided to go forward with IVF in January of 2012 with the expressed agreement that we would use every embryo fertilized now matter how many attempts that entailed or the expense. We fully trusted in God that this was his will for us and that he already knew the outcome. I found an amazing friend that had walked through the tough journey that we were about to embark on and who would answer my endless questions over coffee. It was so invaluable to have someone that had done this before and someone who could understand what it was like to be infertile. We started shots to help me super produce eggs and shots to help me not ovulate. This was an excruciating emotional process and quite painful. We ended up getting 18 eggs from our egg retrieval and 14 fertilized and grew. James almost fainted when he heard the number of embryos and swore we'd end up with 6 children.
Baby Bee
On our first transfer we put in 2 embryos and prayed for sticky little babies. I was on bed rest for 2 days after the transfer and one of those days was my 30th birthday. I convinced myself it hadn't worked because I was just cramping too much and it just felt like I was going to start my period. I thought it had failed up until my RE called to tell me I was pregnant. I had walked outside of my work into the parking lot and I was so shocked I sat down on the curb and burst into tears. I continued to cry while I made 15 phone calls to my tribe of family and friends who had supported us through the journey. I loved every puking, exhausting, stretching minute of that pregnancy and I again burst into tears when she was born. I almost couldn't believe she was finally here after 3 1/2 years of waiting.
A Devastating Loss
When Baby Bee was a year old we went back to do a frozen embryo transfer (FET.) We transferred two embryos and were completely prepared for that cycle not to work. Just because we had struck gold with our first cycle. I tested at home this time and to my great surprise we got a positive test. I told James not to be mad because I was pregnant. He laughed at me and then looked terrified as he counted the remaining embryos in his head. After our 6 week appointment things started to look iffy. The heartbeat was slow & faint- not a great start. I remember our RE telling us not to get too excited or tell too many people because it was not looking good. Uh. Too late. Over weeks 6-9 the baby continued to grow but lagged behind in growth. We fervently prayed and beseeched God to save our baby. Our friends and family joined us in praying for our sweet unborn child. On week 10 we got the news we had been dreading, the baby had passed away and there was no longer a heartbeat. James was shocked and I was just destroyed. I had a D&C and the genetic testing came back with a diagnosis of Trisomy 15. Basically it is an unsurvivable mutation and our baby never had a chance of carrying to term. I asked our RE how long we needed to wait until trying again and he told me we could try again right after my period came back. I know some people won't understand why we wanted to try again so soon after such a devastating loss but to me the best thing for me mentally would be to be pregnant again on the due date of our lost baby. I couldn't imagine facing that due date any other way.
Baby Fox
Six weeks after our loss we went back in for another FET. We lost a couple embryos in the unthawing but had 2 more transferred in February of 2014. I again tested at home and got a positive home pregnancy test. We were much more guarded on this pregnancy. We didn't trumpet it from the rooftops out of fear. Even after seeing a strong heartbeat I was plagued by fear and uncertainty. I was insanely sick with this pregnancy and it felt like I was in a never ending first trimester since I had been sick with our lost baby and then rolled right into the next. When the due date of our lost baby rolled up I was hugely pregnant and I think it helped me let go of some of that hurt. It doesn't mean I don't remember the date each year and think of my sweet baby already gone to Jesus. I don't really think I breathed until 24 weeks and I again cried big blubbery tears when I delivered our baby boy.
Same story, different ending
We again went back to the RE when little Fox was just over a year old. By then we had one straw of 4 embryos left. I was absolutely convinced our 3rd baby was in that freezer waiting for me. I had been pressuring James for months to go back for it. What I was completely and totally unprepared for was the failure of our last straw. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I was convinced that I was supposed to have three children. I talked to James about trying naturally but he was iffy on it. He knew the heartbreak and strife that trying naturally had brought us before and he was quite content with two children. In the end we compromised and he gave me three months to get pregnant. At my age at the time (34) the chances of getting pregnant each month were 5% and that was with someone with no history of infertility. So my chances were astronomically small. I pulled myself up by my boot straps and set to trying to get pregnant. Again. I began taking supplements and going to acupuncture. I prayed. A ton. The first two months were negative and I began mounting a campaign to try for a bit longer with James.
New story, miraculous ending
On our last month that we had agreed to try James booked a appointment to see the doctor about a vasectomy. I did not feel done but agreed to the consult. We headed to Mexico with our family for my Mom's vow renewal and after two negative pregnancy tests I began drinking margaritas with zest. I was having the worst cramping and period symptoms of my life. I was not at all pleased. I finally convinced James to go to the bodega with me to buy another test after my period was officially late. I was driving myself and James mad. After some hilarious hand gestures we bought a test and headed home to take it. When I saw two pink lines I nearly fell over. I had never ever in the 7 years we had been trying had seen a natural positive pregnancy test. I walked through the house filled with literally almost all of my extended family from my mom's side to find James. All I could do was nod yes to him. Even seeing that test I was unsure if it was actually positive because I bought it at a bodega in Mexico. That doesn't really scream confidence. The next couple days I drove myself mad thinking I was having a miscarriage and pestered my OB's office to let me come in for a blood test. I finally got the call that it was indeed positive. I was still shocked. We told no one because I was convinced my body didn't know how to have a natural pregnancy and we would lose it. I was horrified when my OB told me I couldn't come in for a heartbeat check until 8 1/2 weeks. Um no. I was likely to go insane.So I called up my good old friend my fertility doctor and asked to come in. I figured I had paid that man enough money that he would likely do whatever I wanted. He gladly gave me a heartbeat check and I saw that little beating heart. I still refused to tell anyone I was pregnant because there was no way this was actually going to happen. I was insanely and intensely sick with this pregnancy and begged for any drug available to help me. I continued to see my RE until my OB would see me because you get spoiled seeing your baby every week at the RE. I don't even know how people don't lose their minds doing it the "normal" way. Remember way back when I was 26 and dreaming about fun ways to tell my parents I was pregnant? I finally got to do those things 8 years later at 34 and it made me insanely happy. I got to see my friends jaws nearly fall off their faces and burst into tears of joyus surprise. It was everything, just everything I'd always wanted.
We decided to have this miraculous, surprising pregnancy keep on surprising us and we decided not to find out the sex. I didn't think we'd actually make it to the end of the pregnancy without breaking and finding out but we did! I delivered our son in December and I didn't cry this time, I just stared at him in shock. It actually happened. I know now why God placed having three children on my heart. He wanted to stretch and grow and break down and make new both James and me. We have both grown and our marriage has strengthened in the years that we have walked this journey. Looking back now I can see the path we have walked and why we walked the path we did. James is going to get that vasectomy this year and is done done done having babies. I am content and complete now with our family of five.
Comments
I hope your words will stick in my memory as a strong, gentle reminder to me to pray for people who I know want to be parents but aren't yet. Thank you. May God richly bless you, James and your wonderful children. With much love, Aunt Pam